Monday, November 28, 2011

The Google+ Circles Love Story commercial is f*cked up, here's how...

Here is a commercial that shows a relationship that's a complete ratfuck*.

First we see Kyle who goes all in apparently from the first meeting with Lisa. He puts her in the "Love of My Life" circle from the jump. No ambiguity here. Kyle is in love with Lisa. We're done with Kyle now, he and we are just waiting for Lisa to come to the same conclusion.

Lisa on the other hand, none too impressed with our young hero, puts Kyle in the "Creepers" circle and she has a lot of them. Even a girl is in there going by the profile pics. Apparently a lot of people creep Lisa the hell out. Yet she stays in contact with them anyway. Interesting.

Then she decides to move him from the Creepers circle to her "Book Club" circle. What probably happened was Kyle saw in her hand bag a book she was reading, ran to the book store and read the inside flap of it then pretended he read the same book. "Oh my God! You're reading that too?!? I just finished it..." yeah Kyle we know the deal.

Then she moves him from there to the "Guys With Cars" circle which has got to be one of the most superficial circles I've ever seen. Where's the "Guys With 12 inches" circle or "Guys who make over 100k a year" circle? So now we see that Kyle is basically in the friend-zone. Which is a horrible place to be for guys attracted to or in love with a girl. You get all of the responsibilities of a boyfriend but none of the benefits. You gotta listen to her stories no matter how inane, feign interest in whatever activities she likes no matter how mindbogglingly boring it is to you and schlep her non-car having ass to and from places whenever she doesn't feel like taking the bus. Basically he's become her personal valet. We've got to be at least three months into this "relationship" and I guarantee you Kyle hasn't even gotten to first base yet.

She then moves him from the car circle to the "Ski House". This makes sense because we know that the only way she could go on the trip in the first place is if Kyle drove her.  There isn't one ski house/lodge that isn't at least a 60 to 90 minute drive away. And they must have been the only two in the car so there was ample bonding time going there and back. There's always a lot of drinking and drunken behavior at ski houses and Lisa is most likely a horny drunk so this where Kyle probably got some action. Maybe a hand-job in the Jacuzzi or a BJ after he walks her tipsy ass back to their room.  At this point we're maybe five, six months in and Kyle's patience has finally paid off. A drunken half effort blow job before she passes out on the bed but at least she touched his wee-wee and Kyle is happy about that.

Then she takes him from the ski house circle to the "Maybes" circle where there's one other guy. Waitaminnit! Who the fuck is this dude? You mean there's another guy whose been chauffeuring her ass around and reading her fucking boring books and going to dry ass Tori Amos concerts with her all this time too?! How long has this been going on?! How far did he get cause Kyle only got to third base that one time! Goddamn it! Why are we in love with this bitch!!...God, I miss her...

Then it happens. Kyle gets moved from the Maybes circle to the "Keepers" circle. HOORAY!! He did it! He finally got this bitch to consider him a KEEPER!. Wait... why is there an "s" after the word? Why is keepers plural?! It's as if she's leaving room for more than one. The circle is titled KeeperS not Keeper. So there's the possibility that there could be more than one at some point. Meanwhile Kyle's ultimate circle is called LOVE OF MY LIFE...not the LoveS of my life. For Kyle this shit's forever, for Lisa, hey if someone comes along with a better car and more interesting book for her book club then anything's possible.

My prediction for how they end up:

Kyle proposes to her at the ski house in front of all their mutual friends (well mostly her friends). Lisa accepts and the two get married soon after. Six months into the marriage, Lisa has affair with a coworker who went from Creepers to Book Club to Maybes in just three weeks. After a particularly bad argument with Kyle and a pretty hot sex session with the co worker she moves Brad (the coworker) to the Keepers circle and puts Kyle in the Assholes circle (that's where the other Maybes guy is by the way). They divorce before their first anniversary.

And they lived ever after...Thank you Google for helping to tear Kyle's heart out.

bitches ain't shit!

*ratfuck - a mission that's doomed from the start.

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